"Time doesn't matter to me any more." I said to a friend.
I have been waiting for so long, to get a promise, to get a job, to get a new visa.
Refresh, refresh, refresh, to see if there is any new email to update my status.
These several months of waiting, I did not use them to think about life, think about my inspirations or motivations, or think about what is next - because I won't know what is next. I won't know where I will be in two months, I can either be here, or be in another continent.
I used them to try to forget about the fact that all I can do is to wait. I hate this powerless. I hate this out of control. Sometimes, a decline is better than an unknown. But, I still have hope.
Occasionally, I thought about the old good days. When I was fulfilled. When I travelled by myself. When I explored the world and became amazed. Now I have been merged with all these free time that I don't know what to do with it. With a blink of eyes it's been months. I could have used them better, it's just....it's just...I am not prepared.
I want the new job because it has everything to do with the motivations and inspirations that I once have. I love my field of study and I want to feel valuable again. I hope everything goes well so I can have the start and another exciting beginning. I am not afraid of going back to my country, but I know what I want to learn in my field as a beginning professional can be best learned here.
It is so ironic that it is such an important life changing event for one's life, but it is only a trivial job task of someone else.
I have 7 weeks left to wait.